(screened from parents)
Goddess, I almost wish Eleanor would screech at me for something. It's too silent. No...that's not quite right. There is noise here. I can hear Legann going about it's buisness, and I know that there is movement and life all about me, but in this room it is as if all else has been closed off, as if I sit suspended in a moment that never began.
I suppose I'm just being odd again. I don't know why I have suddenly gone and gotten dramatic. I've never been one to display dramatics, even if I do worry quite a lot. I watch them. It is very hard to believe I have any K'miri blood in me, sometimes. Unless, perhaps, there are K'mir who are more alike to rabbits then horses? In the stories mother told Liam and Jasson and me, when we were younger, the K'mir always had spirit beyond that which I have. I cannot force myself to do anything but watch, and my world can be so easily broken.
I suppose I should just be very thankful that those I care for are happy and I am not being paid any extra attention by the gods. Or the court. Which Liam says are just as troublesome (and makes me worry about him even more).
Lady Marielle is a lively woman, and very...spirited? She sometimes seems to be everywhere at once! She meets with villagers and the castle-folk and visitors every day. I sat in on these meetings the first two days, before she told me I was far too young to be sitting there growing older by the second.
I did like going to the meetings, but I had been wanting to go down to the shore, when I wanted to do anything at all. Eleanor has, of course, decreed that I am not allowed to swim, which I did not contesting as much as I would have. It just didn't matter very much. She does tend to know what is proper, and I think that father would probably appreciate me being proper. I would like to retain my (limited and easily revoked) right of travel. I do try. I really, really do.
So what I have been doing is walking about on the beach and wading as far in as I can without the guards getting finicky. Whatever I find that catches my eye, I bring back. Lady Marielle introduced me to once of the scholars who is staying with them, studying the surrounding habitats, and he (Ferdi) explains what the shells or bits of rock or plant are or were. He's several times older then father, but he's very nice.
I suppose I am amazed that the shells survived the waves, silly as it is. I hope that if I have any sort of strength, it is as lasting as that.
Eleanor has not spoken to me for at least two hours, and I have been confined to my quarters until she feels better about me. Normally this would bother me more then it does. I just can't quite bring myself to feel as terrible as I normally would that I went and did something perfectly improper.
I have never done anything quite *so* improper, either. For some reason I just felt like it was the only thing in the world to do. I have no idea why, but it seemed like a good idea. I had planned to do nothing more then walk like I have every other morning since Lady Marielle gave me leave, but I just stopped and looked out across the ocean, and my plans changed quite without telling me.
It is not that I don't know how to swim. That is why Eleanor felt she actually needed to forbid it. I learned when I was little, visiting Aunt Alanna and Uncle George with Liam and Jasson. It is simply not proper for a lady over the age of...well, whatever the age is, I am apparently quite over it.
But I just wanted to be somewhere else entirely, and the water was another world, so I went in. I didn't go in far enough that my skirts would drown me or anything, just enough so I could be in the water.
I sometimes wonder *why* the improper things I do are so odd. I think Eleanor may have felt better if I had gone and kissed someone, rather then completely ruined one of my gowns and behaved badly in front of several people beyond my guards. As one of the guards was speaking to a castle maid who had come to give us something someone had forgotten or somesuch.
Perhaps it is best I will not be connected to any lines of gossip. I do not want to hear if anyone will remark on my behavior.
I don't know how to remark on my behavior. Perhaps it is best I'm to stay in my rooms. If I keep to my books and my thoughts, and do nothing more then is required of me, certaintly I can do nothing too terribly odd?